Hi Reader,
In case you don’t know, I live in a suburb of Minneapolis, I work and worship in Minneapolis, and my teenage son lives (part-time) and attends school in Minneapolis, and many of my friends live in Minneapolis.
As you can imagine, the events in Minneapolis are top of mind right now. If you’re not in the loop, just Google Minneapolis and you will be very quickly.
Honestly, I don't have brilliant insights this week. Big goals feel trite. Behavior change frameworks feel insufficient against the backdrop of what's happening in the world.
I came across something that Henri Nouwen wrote and it really spoke to me:
"The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."
To me, it's about presence. About staying when everything in you wants to turn away or distract...
…staying present to yourself, the people around you, and to the reality unfolding before you.
And here’s how I immediately think about this: you can offer this friendship in three directions at once.
You can be this kind of friend to yourself, Reader.
When the world feels chaotic and you don't know what to do, your nervous system looks for safety. And often, you turn on yourself first. You tell yourself, “I should be doing more. I should have better answers. I should be less affected by all of this. I should… I should… I should…”
Holy smokes, my mind does this too.
But what if the first act of friendship is to sit with yourself in uncomfortable emotions. To tolerate your own confusion, grief, and guilt without trying to fix it or shame it away.
This isn't indulgence, complacency, or sticking your head in the sand. It's regulating. When you can be present with yourself without judgment, your nervous system begins to find ground. And from that place of even slight regulation, you can access your executive functioning, made possible by your prefrontal cortex (the part of your brain behind your forehead), so that you can engage in value-driven behavior.
Because honestly Reader, fear-driven, automatic reactions right now could actually get you killed.
You can be this kind of friend to another person.
The people around you are also searching for safety. They're also confused, grieving, afraid. And the friendship Nouwen describes creates the conditions for regulation between people – in therapy we call that co-regulation.
When you can tolerate not knowing alongside someone else, when you can face powerlessness together without turning away, you're not just being nice. You're helping create the neural conditions for courage.
This matters more than you might think. A regulated nervous system can discern. It can choose values over reaction. It can act from love instead of fear. And when we do that together, it’s powerful. And we see it happening in peaceful protests and candlelit vigils.
You can be this kind of friend to your hurting community and world.
Reader, here's where it can get harder. It's easier to be a friend to people who think and feel like you do, but much harder with those who don't. And where I think Carl Jung's work on the shadow becomes important.
Jung wrote about the shadow as the parts of ourselves we don't want to see or acknowledge. The capacity for violence, for cruelty, for dehumanizing others. I have it. You have it. Every single one of us is capable of violence, even murder, given the right context and circumstances.
This isn't pessimism. It's honesty and it’s reality. We are all much more alike than we are different.
And here's the paradox: the more you can see and integrate your own shadow with the light of awareness, the less likely you are to act from it.
The world actually becomes a safer place when you acknowledge and see the abuser or oppressor that exists within you.
Right now, it's tempting to demonize people with different perspectives. To reinforce othering. To divide the world into good people and bad people, us and them.
Well… let’s be honest. Humans have been doing that forever.
But being a friend to your community and world means something different. It means saying no to violent behavior while refusing to demonize people.
It means recognizing that you're capable of harm, and that awareness of your own shadow is what allows you to choose differently.
There's a difference between condemning behavior and condemning people. You can stand firmly against violence while maintaining your own humanity and the humanity of others.
This is the work. And it’s a tall order.
Are you up for it, Reader?
I don't know if this helps you with your big goals or your behavior change efforts. But I do know this: offering this kind of friendship in all three directions creates safety where there feels like there is none.
It regulates your nervous system and the nervous systems of people around you. It builds the foundation for courageous, values-based action.
And maybe that's enough for right now.
Maybe being a good friend to yourself, to another person, to your community is exactly the work that's yours to do.
What does this bring up in you? Hit reply and let me know.